This morning I decided to call a friend Sarah whom I have not spoken to in a long time but had been in touch over the past few months by text. Sometimes it’s convenient to text because of my busy schedule but I also feel it’s important to talk with people or meet in person and connect with the person’s vibration.
“Behind every person lies a story” Oprah
After our small talk on the wellbeing of kids, progress in business and professional lives. I had one question in my mind bubbling up to the surface that I needed to ask and knew it will change the positive energy of the conversation. “How are you and hubby?’’ I asked, “My friend, I am not happy, things are so difficult”. I felt so sad for Sarah because over the past few years I have known of her challenges and having been through a similar journey I wish she would find peace and joy in her marriage. We started talking and as she was sharing her marital problems with me. Like many women Sarah is “stuck” in an unfulfilling relationship and her reasons are the common ones, “I don’t want my kids to be affected by a separation”; “I don’t think I can make it on my own”; “I’m not financially ready to make the leap yet”; “I’m waiting for my business to grow a bit…” and the list goes on.
“Stop holding yourself back if you are not happy, make a change.”
Listing to Sarah, I felt a once familiar deep sense of pain and when I look back now, I too once felt stuck and felt like I had no choice in anything and I had work hard at accepting my situation. My relationship started off very well, I thought I had met my soulmate. When things started going south I it was easier to try and ignore the problems because we shared so much together, our time, children and business so for fear of rocking the boat looking the other way was my way of dealing with the situation and hoped it would work itself out. It was more important for me to keep things together and “stay strong”, I felt there was so much at stake, the children were my greatest worry but I was also working hard at playing “my life is perfect” , and it was important for me to be perceived by people as having it together and a good man by my side. I could not bear to face both our families, when the message thrown at me continuously was “marriage is not easy, you have to be strong and work at it”; “don’t stress about other women, all men are the same, if you leave him, the next one will do the same”.
Wherever I turned, I felt like no one understood my pain. Many times I wanted to escape my mind. My head and heart were in conflict all the time, it’s not easy to pretend happiness, you smile with everyone you meet, they see you holding hands and kissing. The reality is different the moment you arrive home, we could not look each other in the eye or even talk.
“The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us, but those who win battles we know nothing about” Anon
I felt stuck and being stuck at the time meant that in as much as I wanted to change my life, it was difficult to initiate the change because my mind would make me believe that I’m not worth much without this man. Many times I gave up on my Truth (compromised my joy, health, and spirit) and chose to work on things. The lack of self-worth and esteem is what kept me glued to my beliefs at the time and making me more stuck in a situation I desperately wanted to escape from.
I am not the first to have been in such a situation and I won’t be the last, I am writing this for you Sarah because for as long as you are drawing breath, you are gifted with life and know that there is never a convenient time to leave a relationship, because if you don’t face the fear that keeps you there it destroys you slowly. I know too well how difficult and painful it is to be in the apex of change, but there is no greater pain and suffering than staying stuck where you don’t belong. If you think you are stuck where you do not wish to be, just know that at some point in time you became comfortable sitting there. Being stuck is not something that “just happened” to you, you chose it and you are still choosing it every day.
“Until you believe you have options, you will continue to feel stuck.” Sean Stephanson
Sarah, if there is one important thing you must take with you after reading this is that no matter situation you are facing at work or at home is that- it’s all about YOU!
- It’s not about the relationship that you are in, it’s about you being in that relationship;
- It’s not about the job you have its about you having that job;
- It’s not about the opportunities that are available to you, it’s about how you respond to those opportunities and
- It’s not about getting other people to change, it’s about you changing.
You have this very moment to decide who are now. You have this moment to decide where you want to go from here, only you get to decide what you want in your life.
“Great destinies are shaped by difficult choices.” Anon
The day I made the decision to end my relationship- with kids and all, was the day I took all my power back. Being indecisive, fearful, angry, depressed, feeling unworthy were the times I gave away my power- my essence day after day like most women, I lost myself in a relationship.
I want every person out there who has been caught in a decisive war to know that you are not stuck, you always have and make choices, and you choose how you respond to those choices. Your freedom comes from acknowledging the choices you make and taking responsibility for the way your life is now.
“There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.” Marriane Williamson
If you want something in your life you have never had, you will have to do something you have never done, and trust that the universe has your back. How can you expect possibilities to present themselves if you are holding on the problems?
“Time heals nothing unless you move along with it” Anon
Believe in yourself, trust yourself, pray. Deep within you, you have the answer, you know your worth. Go and claim it.