No–Drama Discipline: The Whole–Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind – Epub

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  • No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind
  • Daniel J Siegel
  • Anglais
  • 01 February 2018
  • 0345548043

SUMMARY No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind

CHARACTERS ¹ No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind Hild is and what her personality is like Maybe homework is a struggle for her and she feels frustrated like its a battle she can never win Maybe theres something about it that feels too hard or overwhelming and makes her feel bad about herself or maybe shes just needingphysical activity The main feelings here could be frustration and helplessnessOr maybe school isnt usually that tough for her but she melted down because shes tired and feeling overwhelmed today She got up early went to school for six hours then had a Girl Scouts meeting that lasted right up to dinnertime Now that shes eaten shes supposed to sit at the kitchen table and work on fractions for forty five minutes No wonder shes freaking out a bit Thats a lot to ask of a nine year old or even an adult That doesnt mean she doesnt still need to do her homework but it can change your perspectiveand your responsewhen you realize where shes coming from What lesson do I want to teach in this moment It might be that you want to teach about effective time management and responsibility Or about making choices regarding which activities to participate in Or about how to handle frustrationadaptively How can I best teach this lesson However you answer uestion a lecture when shes already upset definitely isnt the best approach This isnt a teachable moment because the emotional reactive parts of her brain are raging overwhelming thecalm rational thinking and receptive parts of her brain So instead you might want to help her with her fractions and just get through this particular crisis I know its a lot tonight and youre tired You can do this Ill sit with you and well knock it out Then once shes calmed down and you two are sharing a bowl of ice creamor maybe even the next dayyou can discuss whether shes overscheduled or consider that shes really struggling to understand a concept or explore the possibility that shes talking with friends in class and bringing home unfinished classwork meaning she ends up withhomework Ask her uestions and problem solve together to figure out whats going on Ask whats getting in the way of completing her homework why she thinks its not working well and what her suggestions would be Look at the whole experience as an opportunity to collaborate on improving the homework experience She might need some help building skills for coming up with solutions but involve her in the process as much as possibleRemember to pick a time when youre both in a good receptive state of mind then begin by saying something like The homework situation isnt working very well is it I bet we can find a better way What do you think might work By the way well give you lots of specific practical suggestions to help with this type of conversation in Chapter where we discuss No Drama redirection strategies Different kids will reuire different responses to the why what how uestions so were not saying that any of these specific answers will necessarily apply to your children at a given time The point is to look at discipline in a new way to rethink it Then you can be guided by an overall philosophy when you interact with your kids rather than simply reacting with whatever pops out when your kids do something you dont like Why what how uestions give us a new way of moving from reactive parenting to receptive and intentional Whole Brain parenting strategiesGranted you wont always have time to think through the three uestions When good natured wrestling in the living room turns into a bloody cage match or when you have young twins who are already late for ballet its not that easy to go through a three uestion protocol We get it It may sound completely unrealistic that youd have time to be this mindful in the heat of the momentWere not saying youll do it perfectly every time or that youll immediately be able to think through your response when your kids get upset But theyou consider and practice this approach thenatural and automatic it will become to offer a uick assessment and respond with an intentional response It can even become your default your go to With practice these uestions can help you remain intentional and receptive in the face of previously reaction inducing interactions Asking why what and how can help create an internal sense of clarity even in the face of external chaosAs a result youll receive the bonus of having to discipline less and less because not only will you be shaping your childs brain so that he makes better decisions and learns the connection between his feelings and his behavior but youll beattuned to whats happening with himwhy he does what he doesmeaning that youll be better able to guide him before things escalate Plus youll beable to see things from his perspective which will let you recognize when he needs your help rather than your wrathCant vs Wont Discipline Isnt One Size Fits AllTo put it simply asking the why what how uestions helps us remember who our kids are and what they need The uestions challenge us to be conscious of the age and uniue needs of each individual After all what works for one child may be the exact opposite of what her brother needs And what works for one child one minute might not work for the same child ten minutes later So dont think of discipline as a one size fits all solution Instead remember how important it is to discipline this one child in this one momentToo often when we discipline on autopilot we respond to a situation muchfrom our general state of mind than from what our child needs at that particular time Its easy to forget that our children are just thatchildrenand to expect behavior beyond their developmental capacity For example we cant expect a four year old to handle his emotions well when hes angry that his mom is still on the computer anythan we can expect a nine year old not to freak out about homework from time to timeTina recently saw a mother and grandmother shopping They had buckled a little boy who looked about fifteen months old into their cart As the women browsed looking at purses and shoes the boy cried and cried clearly wanting to get out of the cart He needed to move and walk and explore The caregivers absentmindedly handed him items to distract him which just frustrated himThis little boy couldnt talk but his message was clear Youre asking way too much of me I need you to see what I need His behavior and emotional wails were completely understandableIn fact we should assume that kids will sometimes experience and display emotional reactivity as well as oppositional behavior Developmentally theyre not working from fully formed brains yet as well explain in Chapter so they are literally incapable of meeting our expectations all of the time That means that when we discipline we must always consider a childs developmental capacity particular temperament and emotional style as well as the situational contextA valuable distinction is the idea of cant vs wont Parental frustration radically and drastically decreases when we distinguish between a cant and a wont Sometimes we assume that our kids wont behave the way we want them to when in reality they simply cant at least not in this particular momentThe truth is that a huge percentage of misbehavior isabout cant than wont The next time your child is having a hard time managing herself ask yourself Does the way shes acting make sense considering her age and the circumstances Muchoften than not the answer will be yes Run errands for hours with a three year old in the car and shes going to get fussy An eleven year old who stayed out late watching fireworks the previous night and then had to get up early for a student council car wash the next morning is likely to melt down sometime during the day Not because he wont keep it together but because he cantWe make this point to parents all the time It was especially effective with one single father who visited Tina in her office He was at his wits end because his five year old clearly demonstrated the ability to act appropriately and make good decisions But at times his son would melt down over the smallest thing Heres how Tina approached the conversationI began by trying to explain to this dad that at times his son couldnt regulate himself which meant that he wasnt choosing to be willful or defiant The fathers body language in response to my explanation was clear He crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair Although he didnt literally roll his eyes it was clear he wasnt about to start a Tina Bryson fan club So I said Im getting the sense you dont agree with me hereHe responded It just doesnt make sense Sometimes hes great about handling even big disappointments Like last week when he didnt get to go to the hockey game Then other times hell completely lose his mind because he cant have the blue cup because its in the dishwasher Its not about what he cant do Hes just spoiled and needs stricter discipline He needs to learn how to obey And he can Hes already proven he can totally choose how to handle himselfI decided to take a therapeutic riskdoing something out of the ordinary without knowing uite how it would go I nodded then asked I bet youre a loving and patient dad most of the time right He replied Yes most of the time Sometimes of course Im notI tried to communicate some humor and playfulness in my tone as I said So you can be patient and loving but sometimes youre choosing not to be Fortunately he smiled beginning to see where I was going So I pressed on If you loved your son wouldnt you make better choices and be a good dad all of the time Why are you choosing to be impatient or reactive He began to nod and broke out in an even bigger smile acknowledging my playfulness as the point sank inI continued What is it that makes it hard to be patient He said Well it depends on how Im feeling like if Im tired or Ive had a rough day at work or somethingI smiled and said You know where Im going with this dont you Of course he did Tina went on to explain that a persons capacity to handle situations well and make good decisions can really fluctuate according to the circumstances and the context of a given situation Simply because were human our capacity to handle ourselves well is not stable and constant And thats certainly the case with a five year oldThe father clearly understood what Tina was saying that its misguided to assume that just because his son could handle himself well in one moment hed always be able to do so And that when his son didnt manage his feelings and behaviors it wasnt evidence that he was spoiled and needed stricter discipline Rather he needed understanding and help and through emotional connection and setting limits the father could increase and expand his sons capacity The truth is that for all of us our capacity fluctuates given our state of mind and state of body and these states are influenced by so many factorsespecially in the case of a developing brain in a developing childTina and the father talked further and it was clear that he had fully understood Tinas point He got the difference between cant and wont and he saw that he was imposing rigid and developmentally inappropriate one size fits all expectations on his young son as well as on the boys sister This new perspective empowered him to switch off his parental autopilot and start working on making intentional moment by moment decisions with his children both of whom had their own particular personality and needs at different moments The father realized that not only could he still set cle. Les Monts du Beaujolais et du Lyonnais : 20 promenades et randonnées down because shes tired and feeling overwhelmed today She got up early went to school for six hours then had a Girl Scouts meeting that lasted right up to Aed Emilie Dans le Var dinnertime Now that shes eaten shes supposed to sit at the kitchen table and work on fractions for forty five minutes No wonder shes freaking out a bit Thats a lot to ask of a nine year old or even an adult That Paris - Île-de-France : 120 ballades et randonnées à pied, à vélo, à roller et à VTT doesnt mean she Sur le chemin de St-Jacques-de-Compostelle : Le Puy-en-Velay - Compostelle doesnt still need to Queyras - Ubaye : Les plus belles randonnées do her homework but it can change your perspectiveand your responsewhen you realize where shes coming from What lesson Circuits de randonnées dans les Ecrins do I want to teach in this moment It might be that you want to teach about effective time management and responsibility Or about making choices regarding which activities to participate in Or about how to handle frustrationadaptively How can I best teach this lesson However you answer uestion a lecture when shes already upset Équateur: De la randonnée littorale à l'alpinisme definitely isnt the best approach This isnt a teachable moment because the emotional reactive parts of her brain are raging overwhelming thecalm rational thinking and receptive parts of her brain So instead you might want to help her with her fractions and just get through this particular crisis I know its a lot tonight and youre tired You can Les sentiers d'Emilie dans le Var : 25 promenades pour tous do this Ill sit with you and well knock it out Then once shes calmed Puy-de-Dôme : Le guide des plus beaux sites en 58 balades et randonnées down and you two are sharing a bowl of ice creamor maybe even the next Loire-Atlantique : Le guide des plus beaux sites en 58 balades et randonnées dayyou can Tarentaise : Randonnées en Vanoise et Beaufortain discuss whether shes overscheduled or consider that shes really struggling to understand a concept or explore the possibility that shes talking with friends in class and bringing home unfinished classwork meaning she ends up withhomework Ask her uestions and problem solve together to figure out whats going on Ask whats getting in the way of completing her homework why she thinks its not working well and what her suggestions would be Look at the whole experience as an opportunity to collaborate on improving the homework experience She might need some help building skills for coming up with solutions but involve her in the process as much as possibleRemember to pick a time when youre both in a good receptive state of mind then begin by saying something like The homework situation isnt working very well is it I bet we can find a better way What Oisans : Les plus belles randonnées do you think might work By the way well give you lots of specific practical suggestions to help with this type of conversation in Chapter where we VTT, VTC à pied, Ile de france Nord Est , Forets et parcs naturels, de la balade familiale à la randonnée sportive 598 kms de découvertes, 29 balades en boucle , cartes au 1/25000 discuss No Drama redirection strategies Different kids will reuire Les Sentiers d'Emilie dans le Mercantour : 25 Promenades pour tous different responses to the why what how uestions so were not saying that any of these specific answers will necessarily apply to your children at a given time The point is to look at Randonnées sur les sentiers du Queyras discipline in a new way to rethink it Then you can be guided by an overall philosophy when you interact with your kids rather than simply reacting with whatever pops out when your kids Lacs des Pyrénées : Tome 1, De l'Atlantique au val d'Aran, 86 promenades et randonnées do something you Cinque Terre (en allemand) dont like Why what how uestions give us a new way of moving from reactive parenting to receptive and intentional Whole Brain parenting strategiesGranted you wont always have time to think through the three uestions When good natured wrestling in the living room turns into a bloody cage match or when you have young twins who are already late for ballet its not that easy to go through a three uestion protocol We get it It may sound completely unrealistic that youd have time to be this mindful in the heat of the momentWere not saying youll Autour de Toulouse do it perfectly every time or that youll immediately be able to think through your response when your kids get upset But theyou consider and practice this approach thenatural and automatic it will become to offer a uick assessment and respond with an intentional response It can even become your Dans les montagnes de Suisse romande : 100 itinéraires de randonnée pédestre du Jura aux Alpes default your go to With practice these uestions can help you remain intentional and receptive in the face of previously reaction inducing interactions Asking why what and how can help create an internal sense of clarity even in the face of external chaosAs a result youll receive the bonus of having to Lacs et cascades de Haute-Savoie : 80 promenades et randonnées vers les lacs et cascades de montagne en Haute-Savoie discipline less and less because not only will you be shaping your childs brain so that he makes better De Soissons à Pierrefonds decisions and learns the connection between his feelings and his behavior but youll beattuned to whats happening with himwhy he Pyrénées ariègeoises : Les Plus Belles Randonnées does what he Lacs des Ecrins : 67 Promenades et randonnées vers les lacs de montagne doesmeaning that youll be better able to guide him before things escalate Plus youll beable to see things from his perspective which will let you recognize when he needs your help rather than your wrathCant vs Wont Discipline Isnt One Size Fits AllTo put it simply asking the why what how uestions helps us remember who our kids are and what they need The uestions challenge us to be conscious of the age and uniue needs of each individual After all what works for one child may be the exact opposite of what her brother needs And what works for one child one minute might not work for the same child ten minutes later So Randonnées en Chartreuse dont think of Les plus belles randonnées des Vosges discipline as a one size fits all solution Instead remember how important it is to Erreurs fatales : Comment nos présidents ont failli face au terrorisme discipline this one child in this one momentToo often when we La Grande-Bretagne de Margaret Thatcher, 1979-1990 discipline on autopilot we respond to a situation muchfrom our general state of mind than from what our child needs at that particular time Its easy to forget that our children are just thatchildrenand to expect behavior beyond their Le Voyage d'Anton developmental capacity For example we cant expect a four year old to handle his emotions well when hes angry that his mom is still on the computer anythan we can expect a nine year old not to freak out about homework from time to timeTina recently saw a mother and grandmother shopping They had buckled a little boy who looked about fifteen months old into their cart As the women browsed looking at purses and shoes the boy cried and cried clearly wanting to get out of the cart He needed to move and walk and explore The caregivers absentmindedly handed him items to LA REPUBLIQUE, SES VALEURS, SON ECOLE: CORPUS HISTORIQUE, PHILOSOPHIQUE ET JURIDIQUE (FOLIO ACTUEL) distract him which just frustrated himThis little boy couldnt talk but his message was clear Youre asking way too much of me I need you to see what I need His behavior and emotional wails were completely understandableIn fact we should assume that kids will sometimes experience and Aristocrates et grands bourgeois display emotional reactivity as well as oppositional behavior Developmentally theyre not working from fully formed brains yet as well explain in Chapter so they are literally incapable of meeting our expectations all of the time That means that when we Dictionnaire de la langue pédagogique (Dictionnaires Quadrige) (French Edition) discipline we must always consider a childs La Morale anarchiste developmental capacity particular temperament and emotional style as well as the situational contextA valuable Le guide du zizi sexuel distinction is the idea of cant vs wont Parental frustration radically and Le pouvoir ne se partage pas: Conversations avec François Mitterrand (Documents) (French Edition) drastically Dictionnaire de science économique - 6e éd. decreases when we Dictionary of Business and Economics Terms (Barron's Business Dictionaries) distinguish between a cant and a wont Sometimes we assume that our kids wont behave the way we want them to when in reality they simply cant at least not in this particular momentThe truth is that a huge percentage of misbehavior isabout cant than wont The next time your child is having a hard time managing herself ask yourself Does the way shes acting make sense considering her age and the circumstances Muchoften than not the answer will be yes Run errands for hours with a three year old in the car and shes going to get fussy An eleven year old who stayed out late watching fireworks the previous night and then had to get up early for a student council car wash the next morning is likely to melt Parlez Globish ! : Don't speak English ... down sometime Lexique d'économie - 15e éd. during the Dictionnaire d'analyse économique day Not because he wont keep it together but because he cantWe make this point to parents all the time It was especially effective with one single father who visited Tina in her office He was at his wits end because his five year old clearly Dictionnaire de sciences économiques et sociales demonstrated the ability to act appropriately and make good Dictionnaire d'économie et de sciences sociales éd. 2013 decisions But at times his son would melt L'encyclopédie des configurations graphiques down over the smallest thing Heres how Tina approached the conversationI began by trying to explain to this Dictionnaire d'économie et de sciences sociales dad that at times his son couldnt regulate himself which meant that he wasnt choosing to be willful or Dico SES - Dictionnaire d'économie et de sciences sociales defiant The fathers body language in response to my explanation was clear He crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair Although he Lexique de sciences économiques et sociales didnt literally roll his eyes it was clear he wasnt about to start a Tina Bryson fan club So I said Im getting the sense you Super livre dont agree with me hereHe responded It just Dictionnaire commenté du coaching: Les 200 mots du coach : spécificités et pratiques doesnt make sense Sometimes hes great about handling even big Dictionnaire pratique de la métrologie: Mesure, essai et calculs d'incertitudes - Plus de 300 définitions avec leurs équivalents anglais - Les notions ... des définitions vers le guide pratique disappointments Like last week when he Dictionnaire thématique : Histoire - Géographie didnt get to go to the hockey game Then other times hell completely lose his mind because he cant have the blue cup because its in the Dictionnaire Economique De L'entrepreneur (Economies) (French Edition) dishwasher Its not about what he cant Dictionnaire de l'économie - Nouvelle édition do Hes just spoiled and needs stricter Dictionnaire de science économique - 5e éd. discipline He needs to learn how to obey And he can Hes already proven he can totally choose how to handle himselfI IB Economics Course Book: 2nd Edition: Oxford IB Diploma Program (International Baccalaureate) decided to take a therapeutic riskdoing something out of the ordinary without knowing uite how it would go I nodded then asked I bet youre a loving and patient Dictionnaire d'économie et de sciences sociales dad most of the time right He replied Yes most of the time Sometimes of course Im notI tried to communicate some humor and playfulness in my tone as I said So you can be patient and loving but sometimes youre choosing not to be Fortunately he smiled beginning to see where I was going So I pressed on If you loved your son wouldnt you make better choices and be a good IB Economics 2nd Edition: Study Guide: Oxford IB Diploma Program (International Baccalaureate) dad all of the time Why are you choosing to be impatient or reactive He began to nod and broke out in an even bigger smile acknowledging my playfulness as the point sank inI continued What is it that makes it hard to be patient He said Well it Dictionnaire de l'anglais économique et juridique et du commerce international depends on how Im feeling like if Im tired or Ive had a rough L'économie day at work or somethingI smiled and said You know where Im going with this Dictionnaire espagnol économique, commercial et financier dont you Of course he Dictionnaire de Sciences économiques et sociales did Tina went on to explain that a persons capacity to handle situations well and make good Dictionnaire des sciences économiques decisions can really fluctuate according to the circumstances and the context of a given situation Simply because were human our capacity to handle ourselves well is not stable and constant And thats certainly the case with a five year oldThe father clearly understood what Tina was saying that its misguided to assume that just because his son could handle himself well in one moment hed always be able to Dictionnaire de l'espagnol économique do so And that when his son Dictionnaire de gestion didnt manage his feelings and behaviors it wasnt evidence that he was spoiled and needed stricter Lexique de gestion discipline Rather he needed understanding and help and through emotional connection and setting limits the father could increase and expand his sons capacity The truth is that for all of us our capacity fluctuates given our state of mind and state of body and these states are influenced by so many factorsespecially in the case of a Dictionnaire d'économie et des faits, économiques et sociaux contemporains developing brain in a Lexique des sciences sociales developing childTina and the father talked further and it was clear that he had fully understood Tinas point He got the Great Thinkers: Simple tools from sixty great thinkers to improve your life today. (The School of Life Library) difference between cant and wont and he saw that he was imposing rigid and Lexique des sciences économiques et sociales developmentally inappropriate one size fits all expectations on his young son as well as on the boys sister This new perspective empowered him to switch off his parental autopilot and start working on making intentional moment by moment Words business: Dictionnaire thématique anglais de l'économie et des affaires decisions with his children both of whom had their own particular personality and needs at Lexique d'économie - 14e éd. different moments The father realized that not only could he still set cle.

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CHARACTERS ¹ No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind ExcerptSiegel NO DRAMA DISCIPLINEChapter ReTHINKING DisciplineHere are some actual statements weve heard from parents weve worked with Do any of them resonate with you Do these comments sound familiar So many parents feel like this They want to handle things well when their kids are struggling to do the right thing butoften than not they end up simply reacting to a situation rather than working from a clear set of principles and strategies They shift into autopilot and give up control of theirintentional parenting decisionsAutopilot may be a great tool when youre flying a plane Just flip the switch sit back and relax and let the computer take you where its been preprogrammed to go But when it comes to disciplining children working from a preprogrammed autopilot isnt so great It can fly us straight into whatever dark and stormy cloud bank is looming meaning parents and kids alike are in for a bumpy rideInstead of being reactive we want to be responsive to our kids We want to be intentional and make conscious decisions based on principles weve thought about and agreed on beforehand Being intentional means considering various options and then choosing the one that engages a thoughtful approach toward our intended outcomes For No Drama Discipline this means the short term external outcome of behavioral boundaries and structure and the long term internal outcome of teaching life skillsLets say for example your four year old hits you Maybe hes angry because you told him you needed to finish an email before you could play Legos with him and he responded by slapping you on the back Its always surprising isnt it that a person that small can inflict so much pain What do you do If youre on autopilot not working from a specific philosophy for how to handle misbehavior you might simply react immediately without much reflection or intention Maybe youd grab him possibly harder than you should and tell him through clenched teeth Hitting is not OK Then you might give him some sort of conseuence maybe marching him to his room for a time outIs this the worst possible parental reaction No its not But could it be better Definitely Whats needed is a clear understanding of what you actually want to accomplish when your child misbehavesThats the overall goal of this chapter to help you understand the importance of working from an intentional philosophy and having a clear and consistent strategy for responding to misbehavior As we said in the introduction the dual goals of discipline are to promote good external behavior in the short term and build the internal structure of the brain for better behavior and relationship skills in the long term Keep in mind that discipline is ultimately about teaching So when you clench your teeth spit out a rule and give a conseuence is that going to be effective in teaching your child about hitting Well yes and no It might achieve the short term effect of getting him not to hit you Fear and punishment can be effective in the moment but they dont work over the long term And are fear punishment and drama really what we want to use as primary motivators of our children If so we teach that power and control are the best tools to get others to do what we want them to doAgain its completely normal to just react when we get angry especially when someone inflicts physical or emotional pain on us But there are better responses responses that can achieve the same short term goal of reducing the likelihood of the unwanted behavior in the future while also building skills So rather than just fearing your response and inhibiting an impulse in the future your child will undergo a learning experience that creates an internal skill beyond simply an association of fear And all of this learning can occur while reducing the drama in the interaction and strengthening your connection with your childLets talk about how you can respond to make discipline less of a fear creating reaction andof a skill building response on your partThe Three uestions Why What How Before you respond to misbehavior take a moment to ask yourself three simple uestions Why did my child act this way In our anger our answer might be Because hes a spoiled brat or Because hes trying to push my buttons But when we approach with curiosity instead of assumptions looking deeper at whats going on behind a particular misbehavior we can often understand that our child was trying to express or attempt something but simply didnt handle it appropriately If we understand this we ourselves can respondeffectivelyand compassionately What lesson do I want to teach in this moment Again the goal of discipline isnt to give a conseuence We want to teach a lessonwhether its about self control the importance of sharing acting responsibly or anything else How can I best teach this lesson Considering a childs age and developmental stage along with the context of the situation did he realize the bullhorn was switched on before he raised it to the dogs ear how can we most effectively communicate what we want to get across Too often we respond to misbehavior as if conseuences were the goal of discipline Sometimes natural conseuences result from a childs decision and the lesson is taught without our needing to do much But there are usuallyeffective and loving ways to help our kids understand what were trying to communicate than to immediately hand out one size fits all conseuencesBy asking ourselves these three uestionswhy what and howwhen our children do something we dont like we caneasily shift out of autopilot mode That means well be muchlikely to respond in a way thats effective in stopping the behavior in the short term while also teaching bigger long lasting life lessons and skills that build character and prepare kids for making good decisions in the futureLets lookclosely at how these three uestions might help us respond to the four year old who slaps you while youre emailing When you hear the smack and feel the tiny hand shaped imprint of pain on your back it may take you a moment to calm down and avoid simply reacting Its not always easy is it In fact our brains are programmed to interpret physical pain as a threat which activates the neural circuitry that can make usreactive and put us in a fight mode So it takes some effort sometimes intense effort to maintain control and practice No Drama Discipline We have to override our primitive reactive brain when this happens Not easy By the way this gets much harder to do if were sleep deprived hungry overwhelmed or not prioritizing self care This pause between reactive and responsive is the beginning of choice intention and skillfulness as a parentSo as uickly as possible you want to try to pause and ask yourself the three uestions Then you can see muchclearly whats going on in your interaction with your child Every situation is different and depends on many different factors but the answers to the uestions might look something like this Why did my child act this way He hit you because he wanted your attention and wasnt getting it Sounds pretty typical for a four year old doesnt it Desirable No Developmentally appropriate Absolutely Its hard for a child this age to wait and big feelings surfaced making it even harder Hes not yet old enough to consistently calm himself effectively or uickly enough to prevent acting out You wish hed just soothe himself and with composure declare Mom Im feeling frustrated that youre asking me to keep waiting and Im having a strong aggressive impulse to hit you right nowbut I have chosen not to and am using my words instead But thats not going to happen It would be pretty funny if it did In that moment hitting is your sons default strategy for expressing his big feelings of frustration and impatience and he needs some time and skill building practice to learn how to handle both delaying gratification and appropriately managing anger Thats why he hit youThat feels much less personal doesnt it Our kids dont usually lash out at us because theyre simply rude or because were failures as parents They usually lash out because they dont yet have the capacity to regulate their emotional states and control their impulses And they feel safe enough with us to know that they wont lose our love even when theyre at their worst In fact when a four year old doesnt hit and acts perfect all the time we have concerns about the childs bond with his parent When children are securely attached to their parents they feel safe enough to test that relationship In other words your childs misbehavior is often a sign of his trust and safety with you Many parents notice that their children save it all up for them behaving much better at school or with other adults than they do at home This is why These flare ups are often signs of safety and trust rather than just some form of rebellion What lesson do I want to teach in this moment The lesson is not that misbehavior merits a conseuence but that there are better ways of getting your attention and managing his anger than resorting to violence You want him to learn that hitting isnt OK and that there are lots of appropriate ways to express his big feelings How can I best teach this lesson While giving him a time out or some other unrelated conseuence might or might not make your son think twice next time about hitting theres a better alternative What if you connected with him by pulling him to you and letting him know he has your full attention Then you could acknowledge his feelings and model how to communicate those emotions Its hard to wait You really want me to play and youre mad that Im at the computer Is that right Most likely youll receive an angry Yes in response Thats not a bad thing hell know he has your attention And youll have his too You can now talk with him and as he becomes calmer and better able to listen get eye contact explain that hitting is never all right and talk about some alternatives he could chooselike using his words to express his frustrationthe next time he wants your attentionThis approach works with older kids as well Lets look at one of the most common issues faced by parents everywhere homework battles Imagine that your nine year old is seriously struggling when its time to study and you two are going round and round on a regular basis At least once a week she melts down She gets so frustrated she ends up in tears yelling at you and calling her teachers mean for assigning such difficult homework and herself stupid for having trouble After these proclamations she buries her face in the crook of her arm and collapses in a puddle of tears on the tableFor a parent this situation can be every bit as maddening as being slapped on the back by a four year old An autopilot response would be to give in to the frustration and in the heat of anger argue with your daughter and lecture her blaming her for managing her time poorly and not listening well enough during class Youre probably familiar with the If you had started earlier when I asked you to youd be done by now lecture Weve never heard of a kid responding to that lecture with Youre right Dad I really should have started when you asked Ill take responsibility for not beginning when I was supposed to and Ive learned my lesson Ill just jump right on my homework earlier tomorrow Thanks for enlightening me on thisInstead of the lecture what if you asked the why what how uestions Why did my child act this way Again disciplinary approaches are going to change depending on who your c. 1625o Thouars do the right thing butoften than not they end up simply reacting to a situation rather than working from a clear set of principles and strategies They shift into autopilot and give up control of theirintentional parenting 1730e Ruffec decisionsAutopilot may be a great tool when youre flying a plane Just flip the switch sit back and relax and let the computer take you where its been preprogrammed to go But when it comes to 3218o Clefmont disciplining children working from a preprogrammed autopilot isnt so great It can fly us straight into whatever Carte de randonnée : Hénin-Beaumont - Carvin dark and stormy cloud bank is looming meaning parents and kids alike are in for a bumpy rideInstead of being reactive we want to be responsive to our kids We want to be intentional and make conscious 1926e le Blanc decisions based on principles weve thought about and agreed on beforehand Being intentional means considering various options and then choosing the one that engages a thoughtful approach toward our intended outcomes For No Drama Discipline this means the short term external outcome of behavioral boundaries and structure and the long term internal outcome of teaching life skillsLets say for example your four year old hits you Maybe hes angry because you told him you needed to finish an email before you could play Legos with him and he responded by slapping you on the back Its always surprising isnt it that a person that small can inflict so much pain What 2241ened Albi do you Carte de randonnée : Langogne do If youre on autopilot not working from a specific philosophy for how to handle misbehavior you might simply react immediately without much reflection or intention Maybe youd grab him possibly harder than you should and tell him through clenched teeth Hitting is not OK Then you might give him some sort of conseuence maybe marching him to his room for a time outIs this the worst possible parental reaction No its not But could it be better Definitely Whats needed is a clear understanding of what you actually want to accomplish when your child misbehavesThats the overall goal of this chapter to help you understand the importance of working from an intentional philosophy and having a clear and consistent strategy for responding to misbehavior As we said in the introduction the 1424o Mortagne-Sur-Sevre dual goals of Carte de randonnée IGN série bleue Denain n° 2606o - échelle : 1: 25 000/1cm = 250 mètres discipline are to promote good external behavior in the short term and build the internal structure of the brain for better behavior and relationship skills in the long term Keep in mind that 1829o Charroux discipline is ultimately about teaching So when you clench your teeth spit out a rule and give a conseuence is that going to be effective in teaching your child about hitting Well yes and no It might achieve the short term effect of getting him not to hit you Fear and punishment can be effective in the moment but they Carte de randonnée : Brinon-sur-Beuvron dont work over the long term And are fear punishment and Carte de randonnée : Blois drama really what we want to use as primary motivators of our children If so we teach that power and control are the best tools to get others to Pyrenees2 - Pyrénées Centrales Françaises : Arrens - Seix. Les 50 plus belles randonnées. do what we want them to Aiacciu et sa région : 75 itinéraires de randonnées doAgain its completely normal to just react when we get angry especially when someone inflicts physical or emotional pain on us But there are better responses responses that can achieve the same short term goal of reducing the likelihood of the unwanted behavior in the future while also building skills So rather than just fearing your response and inhibiting an impulse in the future your child will undergo a learning experience that creates an internal skill beyond simply an association of fear And all of this learning can occur while reducing the Pistes du Maroc, tome 1 drama in the interaction and strengthening your connection with your childLets talk about how you can respond to make La Charente-Maritime à vélo discipline less of a fear creating reaction andof a skill building response on your partThe Three uestions Why What How Before you respond to misbehavior take a moment to ask yourself three simple uestions Why Petit manuel de médecine de montagne : De l'ampoule à l'oedème pulmonaire et de la randonnée à l'expé himalayenne did my child act this way In our anger our answer might be Because hes a spoiled brat or Because hes trying to push my buttons But when we approach with curiosity instead of assumptions looking Aragon : Randonnées dans les sierras et canyons deeper at whats going on behind a particular misbehavior we can often understand that our child was trying to express or attempt something but simply Randonnées facile vers les grands sommets didnt handle it appropriately If we understand this we ourselves can respondeffectivelyand compassionately What lesson Randonnées insolites dans les Pyrénées do I want to teach in this moment Again the goal of Autour de Lyon : Dombes-Bugey-Dauphiné-Pilat-Monts du Lyonnais-Beaujolais discipline isnt to give a conseuence We want to teach a lessonwhether its about self control the importance of sharing acting responsibly or anything else How can I best teach this lesson Considering a childs age and Treks au Maroc did he realize the bullhorn was switched on before he raised it to the Ski de randonnée : Haut Vallais dogs ear how can we most effectively communicate what we want to get across Too often we respond to misbehavior as if conseuences were the goal of Parc naturel régional de Millevaches discipline Sometimes natural conseuences result from a childs Belledonne et Sept-Laux: Les plus belles randonnées (Montagne Randonnée) decision and the lesson is taught without our needing to Les Monts du Beaujolais et du Lyonnais : 20 promenades et randonnées do much But there are usuallyeffective and loving ways to help our kids understand what were trying to communicate than to immediately hand out one size fits all conseuencesBy asking ourselves these three uestionswhy what and howwhen our children Aed Emilie Dans le Var do something we Paris - Île-de-France : 120 ballades et randonnées à pied, à vélo, à roller et à VTT dont like we caneasily shift out of autopilot mode That means well be muchlikely to respond in a way thats effective in stopping the behavior in the short term while also teaching bigger long lasting life lessons and skills that build character and prepare kids for making good Sur le chemin de St-Jacques-de-Compostelle : Le Puy-en-Velay - Compostelle decisions in the futureLets lookclosely at how these three uestions might help us respond to the four year old who slaps you while youre emailing When you hear the smack and feel the tiny hand shaped imprint of pain on your back it may take you a moment to calm Queyras - Ubaye : Les plus belles randonnées down and avoid simply reacting Its not always easy is it In fact our brains are programmed to interpret physical pain as a threat which activates the neural circuitry that can make usreactive and put us in a fight mode So it takes some effort sometimes intense effort to maintain control and practice No Drama Discipline We have to override our primitive reactive brain when this happens Not easy By the way this gets much harder to Circuits de randonnées dans les Ecrins do if were sleep Équateur: De la randonnée littorale à l'alpinisme deprived hungry overwhelmed or not prioritizing self care This pause between reactive and responsive is the beginning of choice intention and skillfulness as a parentSo as uickly as possible you want to try to pause and ask yourself the three uestions Then you can see muchclearly whats going on in your interaction with your child Every situation is Les sentiers d'Emilie dans le Var : 25 promenades pour tous different and Puy-de-Dôme : Le guide des plus beaux sites en 58 balades et randonnées depends on many Loire-Atlantique : Le guide des plus beaux sites en 58 balades et randonnées different factors but the answers to the uestions might look something like this Why Tarentaise : Randonnées en Vanoise et Beaufortain did my child act this way He hit you because he wanted your attention and wasnt getting it Sounds pretty typical for a four year old Oisans : Les plus belles randonnées doesnt it Desirable No Developmentally appropriate Absolutely Its hard for a child this age to wait and big feelings surfaced making it even harder Hes not yet old enough to consistently calm himself effectively or uickly enough to prevent acting out You wish hed just soothe himself and with composure VTT, VTC à pied, Ile de france Nord Est , Forets et parcs naturels, de la balade familiale à la randonnée sportive 598 kms de découvertes, 29 balades en boucle , cartes au 1/25000 declare Mom Im feeling frustrated that youre asking me to keep waiting and Im having a strong aggressive impulse to hit you right nowbut I have chosen not to and am using my words instead But thats not going to happen It would be pretty funny if it Les Sentiers d'Emilie dans le Mercantour : 25 Promenades pour tous did In that moment hitting is your sons Randonnées sur les sentiers du Queyras default strategy for expressing his big feelings of frustration and impatience and he needs some time and skill building practice to learn how to handle both Lacs des Pyrénées : Tome 1, De l'Atlantique au val d'Aran, 86 promenades et randonnées delaying gratification and appropriately managing anger Thats why he hit youThat feels much less personal Cinque Terre (en allemand) doesnt it Our kids Autour de Toulouse dont usually lash out at us because theyre simply rude or because were failures as parents They usually lash out because they Dans les montagnes de Suisse romande : 100 itinéraires de randonnée pédestre du Jura aux Alpes dont yet have the capacity to regulate their emotional states and control their impulses And they feel safe enough with us to know that they wont lose our love even when theyre at their worst In fact when a four year old Lacs et cascades de Haute-Savoie : 80 promenades et randonnées vers les lacs et cascades de montagne en Haute-Savoie doesnt hit and acts perfect all the time we have concerns about the childs bond with his parent When children are securely attached to their parents they feel safe enough to test that relationship In other words your childs misbehavior is often a sign of his trust and safety with you Many parents notice that their children save it all up for them behaving much better at school or with other adults than they De Soissons à Pierrefonds do at home This is why These flare ups are often signs of safety and trust rather than just some form of rebellion What lesson Pyrénées ariègeoises : Les Plus Belles Randonnées do I want to teach in this moment The lesson is not that misbehavior merits a conseuence but that there are better ways of getting your attention and managing his anger than resorting to violence You want him to learn that hitting isnt OK and that there are lots of appropriate ways to express his big feelings How can I best teach this lesson While giving him a time out or some other unrelated conseuence might or might not make your son think twice next time about hitting theres a better alternative What if you connected with him by pulling him to you and letting him know he has your full attention Then you could acknowledge his feelings and model how to communicate those emotions Its hard to wait You really want me to play and youre mad that Im at the computer Is that right Most likely youll receive an angry Yes in response Thats not a bad thing hell know he has your attention And youll have his too You can now talk with him and as he becomes calmer and better able to listen get eye contact explain that hitting is never all right and talk about some alternatives he could chooselike using his words to express his frustrationthe next time he wants your attentionThis approach works with older kids as well Lets look at one of the most common issues faced by parents everywhere homework battles Imagine that your nine year old is seriously struggling when its time to study and you two are going round and round on a regular basis At least once a week she melts Lacs des Ecrins : 67 Promenades et randonnées vers les lacs de montagne down She gets so frustrated she ends up in tears yelling at you and calling her teachers mean for assigning such Randonnées en Chartreuse difficult homework and herself stupid for having trouble After these proclamations she buries her face in the crook of her arm and collapses in a puddle of tears on the tableFor a parent this situation can be every bit as maddening as being slapped on the back by a four year old An autopilot response would be to give in to the frustration and in the heat of anger argue with your Les plus belles randonnées des Vosges daughter and lecture her blaming her for managing her time poorly and not listening well enough Erreurs fatales : Comment nos présidents ont failli face au terrorisme during class Youre probably familiar with the If you had started earlier when I asked you to youd be La Grande-Bretagne de Margaret Thatcher, 1979-1990 done by now lecture Weve never heard of a kid responding to that lecture with Youre right Dad I really should have started when you asked Ill take responsibility for not beginning when I was supposed to and Ive learned my lesson Ill just jump right on my homework earlier tomorrow Thanks for enlightening me on thisInstead of the lecture what if you asked the why what how uestions Why Le Voyage d'Anton did my child act this way Again LA REPUBLIQUE, SES VALEURS, SON ECOLE: CORPUS HISTORIQUE, PHILOSOPHIQUE ET JURIDIQUE (FOLIO ACTUEL) disciplinary approaches are going to change Aristocrates et grands bourgeois depending on who your c.

Daniel J Siegel è 1 CHARACTERS

CHARACTERS ¹ No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind Ar firm boundaries but he could do so eveneffectively and respectfully because he was taking into account each childs individual temperament and fluctuating capacity along with the context of each situation As a result hed be able to achieve both disciplinary goals to see less overall uncooperativeness from his son and to teach him important skills and life lessons that would help him as he grew into a manThis father was learning to challenge certain assumptions in his own thinking such as that misbehavior is always willful opposition instead of a moment of difficulty while trying to manage feelings and behaviors Future conversations with Tina led him to uestion not only this assumption but also his emphasis on having his son and daughter obey him unconditionally and without exception Yes he reasonably and justifiably wanted his discipline to encourage cooperation from his children But complete and unuestioning obedience Did he want his kids to grow up blindly obeying everyone their whole lives Or would he rather have them develop their own individual personalities and identities learning along the way what it means to get along with others observe limits make good decisions be self disciplined and navigate difficult situations by thinking for themselves Again he got the point and it made all the difference for his childrenOne other assumption this father began to challenge within himself was that theres some silver bullet or magic wand that can be used to address any behavioral issue or concern We wish there were such a cure all but theres not Its tempting to buy into one discipline practice that promises to work all the time and in every situation or to radically change a kid in a few days But the dynamics of interacting with children are always muchcomplex than that Behavioral issues simply cant be resolved with a one size fits all approach that we apply to every circumstance or environment or childLets take a few minutes now and discuss the two most common one size fits all disciplinary techniues that parents rely on spanking and time outsSpanking and the BrainOne autopilot response that a number of parents resort to is spanking We often get asked where we stand on the subjectAlthough were really big advocates for boundaries and limits we are both strongly against spanking Physical punishment is a complex and highly charged topic and a full discussion of the research the various contexts in which physical punishment takes place and the negative impacts of spanking is beyond the scope of this book But based on our neuroscientific perspective and review of the research literature we believe that spanking is likely to be counterproductive when it comes to building respectful relationships with our children teaching kids the lessons we want them to learn and encouraging optimal development We also believe that children should have the right to be free from any form of violence especially at the hands of the people they trust most to protect themWe know there are all kinds of parents all kinds of kids and all kinds of contexts in which discipline takes place And we certainly understand that frustration along with the desire to do the right thing for their children leads some parents to use spanking as a discipline strategy But the research consistently demonstrates that even when parents are warm loving and nurturing not only is spanking children less effective in changing behavior in the long run its associated with negative outcomes in many domains Granted there are plenty of non spanking discipline approaches that can be just as damaging as spanking Isolating children for long periods of time humiliating them terrifying them by screaming threats and using other forms of verbal or psychological aggression are all examples of disciplinary practices that wound childrens minds even when their parents never physically touch themWe therefore encourage parents to avoid any discipline approach that is aggressive inflicts pain or creates fear or terror For one thing its counterproductive The childs attention shifts from her own behavior and how to modify it to the caregivers response to the behavior meaning that the child no longer considers her own actions at all Instead she thinks only about how unfair and mean her parent was to hurt heror even how scary her parent was in that moment The parental response then undermines both of the primary goals of disciplinechanging behavior and building the brainbecause it sidesteps an opportunity for the child to think about her own behavior and even feel some healthy guilt or remorseAnother important problem with spanking is what happens to the child physiologically and neurologically The brain interprets pain as a threat So when a parent inflicts physical pain on a child that child faces an unsolvable biological paradox On one hand were all born with an instinct to go toward our caregivers for protection when were hurt or afraid But when our caregivers are also the source of the pain and fear when the parent has caused the state of terror inside the child by what he or she has done it can be very confusing for the childs brain One circuit drives the child to try to escape the parent who is inflicting pain another circuit drives the child toward the attachment figure for safety So when the parent is the source of fear or pain the brain can become disorganized in its functioning as there is no solution We call this at the extreme a form of disorganized attachment The stress hormone cortisol released with such a disorganized internal state and repeated interpersonal experiences of rage and terror can lead to long lasting negative impacts on the brains development as cortisol is toxic to the brain and inhibits healthy growth Harsh and severe punishment can actually lead to significant changes in the brain such as the death of brain connections and even brain cellsAnother problem with spanking is that it teaches the child that the parent has no effective strategy short of inflicting bodily pain Thats a direct lesson every parent should consider uite deeply do we want to teach our kids that the way to resolve a conflict is to inflict physical pain particularly on someone who is defenseless and cannot fight back Looking through the lens of the brain and body we know that humans are instinctually wired to avoid pain And it is also the same part of the brain that mediates physical pain that processes social rejection Inflicting physical pain is also creating social rejection in the childs brain Since children cant be perfect we see the importance of the findings indicating that while spanking often stops a behavior in a particular moment its not as effective at changing behavior in the long run Instead children will often just get better at concealing what theyve done In other words the danger is that kids will do whatever it takes to avoid the pain of physical punishment and social rejection which will often meanlying and hidingnot collaboratively communicating and being open to learningOne final point about spanking has to do with which part of the brain we want to appeal to and develop with our discipline As well explain in the next chapter parents have the option of engaging the higher thinking part of the childs wise brain or the lowerreactive reptilian part If you threaten or physically attack a reptile what kind of a response do you think youll get Imagine a cornered cobra spitting at you There is nothing wise or connecting about being reactiveWhen we are threatened or physically attacked our reptilian or primitive brain takes over We move into an adaptive survival mode often called fight flight or freeze We can also faint a response that occurs in some when they feel totally helpless Likewise when we cause our kids to experience fear pain and anger we activate an increase in the flow of energy and information to the primitive reactive brain instead of directing the flow to the receptive thinkingsophisticated and potentially wise regions of the brain that allow kids to make healthy and flexible choices and handle their emotions wellDo you want to trigger reactivity in your childs primitive brain or engage her thinking rational brain in being receptive and openly engaged with the world When we activate the reactive states of the brain we miss the chance to develop the thinking part of the brain Its a lost opportunity Whats we have so many othereffective options for disciplining our kidsstrategies that give children practice using their upstairs brain so that its stronger and further developed meaning that theyre much better able to be responsible people who do the right thingoften than not Muchabout that in Chapters With lucid engaging prose accompanied by cartoon illustrations Daniel J Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson help parents teach and communicateeffectively Publishers WeeklyA lot of fascinating insightsan eye opener worth reading ParentsInsightfulThe ideas presented in this latest book can actually be applied to all of our relationships as it will help us in many circumstances to be able to calm down have empathy for another person and then communicate in a constructive way about our concerns and proposed solutions What works to help children learn and behave better might also help our worlds leaders and large groups of people get along better as many of us adults failed to develop these mindsight skills as we were growing up and we tend to sabotage our relationships with others as a result Whether you are a parent a teacher or just a person who wishes to learn to get along better with others you may find some valuable insights in No Drama Discipline ExaminerWow This book grabbed me from the very first page and did not let go Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson explain extremely well why punishment is a dead end strategy Then they describe what to do instead By making the latest breakthroughs in brain science accessible to any parent they show why empathy and connection are the royal road to cooperation discipline and family harmonyLawrence J Cohen PhD author of The Opposite of WorryUsing simple and clear explanations practical advice and cartoons that make the how to guidance come alive this book is a rich resource for families trying to navigate meltdowns and misunderstandings It explains how neurobiology drives childrens infuriating and puzzling behavior and will help parents make their way through the trenches of a typical day with grace mutual respect and a good helping of delightWendy Mogel PhD author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee What a relief Siegel and Bryson take the difficulty out of discipline for parents or anyone who has to help kids behave No Drama Discipline offers a research based commonsense approach that any grown up will be happy to use and any kid will benefit fromDaniel Goleman author of Emotional Intelligence Frustrated parents often ask me why the disciplinary techniues they are using with their children arent working or are even making things worse I have not always known what to say because I was not always sure I understood what was going wrong Now I know No Drama Discipline unlocks the secrets of discipline what works and what doesnt and whyand what to do when you are pulling your hair out Simply put Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Brysons insights and techniues will make you a better parent I know I will be using the concepts from this extraordinarily helpful book for years to comeMichael Thompson PhD co author of Raising Cain. Randonnées insolites dans les Pyrénées do so eveneffectively and respectfully because he was taking into account each childs individual temperament and fluctuating capacity along with the context of each situation As a result hed be able to achieve both Autour de Lyon : Dombes-Bugey-Dauphiné-Pilat-Monts du Lyonnais-Beaujolais disciplinary goals to see less overall uncooperativeness from his son and to teach him important skills and life lessons that would help him as he grew into a manThis father was learning to challenge certain assumptions in his own thinking such as that misbehavior is always willful opposition instead of a moment of Treks au Maroc daughter obey him unconditionally and without exception Yes he reasonably and justifiably wanted his Ski de randonnée : Haut Vallais discipline to encourage cooperation from his children But complete and unuestioning obedience Did he want his kids to grow up blindly obeying everyone their whole lives Or would he rather have them Parc naturel régional de Millevaches develop their own individual personalities and identities learning along the way what it means to get along with others observe limits make good Belledonne et Sept-Laux: Les plus belles randonnées (Montagne Randonnée) decisions be self Les Monts du Beaujolais et du Lyonnais : 20 promenades et randonnées disciplined and navigate Aed Emilie Dans le Var difficult situations by thinking for themselves Again he got the point and it made all the Paris - Île-de-France : 120 ballades et randonnées à pied, à vélo, à roller et à VTT difference for his childrenOne other assumption this father began to challenge within himself was that theres some silver bullet or magic wand that can be used to address any behavioral issue or concern We wish there were such a cure all but theres not Its tempting to buy into one Sur le chemin de St-Jacques-de-Compostelle : Le Puy-en-Velay - Compostelle discipline practice that promises to work all the time and in every situation or to radically change a kid in a few Queyras - Ubaye : Les plus belles randonnées days But the Circuits de randonnées dans les Ecrins dynamics of interacting with children are always muchcomplex than that Behavioral issues simply cant be resolved with a one size fits all approach that we apply to every circumstance or environment or childLets take a few minutes now and Équateur: De la randonnée littorale à l'alpinisme discuss the two most common one size fits all Les sentiers d'Emilie dans le Var : 25 promenades pour tous disciplinary techniues that parents rely on spanking and time outsSpanking and the BrainOne autopilot response that a number of parents resort to is spanking We often get asked where we stand on the subjectAlthough were really big advocates for boundaries and limits we are both strongly against spanking Physical punishment is a complex and highly charged topic and a full Puy-de-Dôme : Le guide des plus beaux sites en 58 balades et randonnées discussion of the research the various contexts in which physical punishment takes place and the negative impacts of spanking is beyond the scope of this book But based on our neuroscientific perspective and review of the research literature we believe that spanking is likely to be counterproductive when it comes to building respectful relationships with our children teaching kids the lessons we want them to learn and encouraging optimal Loire-Atlantique : Le guide des plus beaux sites en 58 balades et randonnées development We also believe that children should have the right to be free from any form of violence especially at the hands of the people they trust most to protect themWe know there are all kinds of parents all kinds of kids and all kinds of contexts in which Tarentaise : Randonnées en Vanoise et Beaufortain discipline takes place And we certainly understand that frustration along with the Oisans : Les plus belles randonnées desire to VTT, VTC à pied, Ile de france Nord Est , Forets et parcs naturels, de la balade familiale à la randonnée sportive 598 kms de découvertes, 29 balades en boucle , cartes au 1/25000 do the right thing for their children leads some parents to use spanking as a Les Sentiers d'Emilie dans le Mercantour : 25 Promenades pour tous discipline strategy But the research consistently Randonnées sur les sentiers du Queyras demonstrates that even when parents are warm loving and nurturing not only is spanking children less effective in changing behavior in the long run its associated with negative outcomes in many Lacs des Pyrénées : Tome 1, De l'Atlantique au val d'Aran, 86 promenades et randonnées domains Granted there are plenty of non spanking Cinque Terre (en allemand) discipline approaches that can be just as Autour de Toulouse damaging as spanking Isolating children for long periods of time humiliating them terrifying them by screaming threats and using other forms of verbal or psychological aggression are all examples of Dans les montagnes de Suisse romande : 100 itinéraires de randonnée pédestre du Jura aux Alpes disciplinary practices that wound childrens minds even when their parents never physically touch themWe therefore encourage parents to avoid any Lacs et cascades de Haute-Savoie : 80 promenades et randonnées vers les lacs et cascades de montagne en Haute-Savoie discipline approach that is aggressive inflicts pain or creates fear or terror For one thing its counterproductive The childs attention shifts from her own behavior and how to modify it to the caregivers response to the behavior meaning that the child no longer considers her own actions at all Instead she thinks only about how unfair and mean her parent was to hurt heror even how scary her parent was in that moment The parental response then undermines both of the primary goals of De Soissons à Pierrefonds disciplinechanging behavior and building the brainbecause it sidesteps an opportunity for the child to think about her own behavior and even feel some healthy guilt or remorseAnother important problem with spanking is what happens to the child physiologically and neurologically The brain interprets pain as a threat So when a parent inflicts physical pain on a child that child faces an unsolvable biological paradox On one hand were all born with an instinct to go toward our caregivers for protection when were hurt or afraid But when our caregivers are also the source of the pain and fear when the parent has caused the state of terror inside the child by what he or she has Pyrénées ariègeoises : Les Plus Belles Randonnées done it can be very confusing for the childs brain One circuit Lacs des Ecrins : 67 Promenades et randonnées vers les lacs de montagne drives the child to try to escape the parent who is inflicting pain another circuit Randonnées en Chartreuse drives the child toward the attachment figure for safety So when the parent is the source of fear or pain the brain can become Les plus belles randonnées des Vosges disorganized in its functioning as there is no solution We call this at the extreme a form of Erreurs fatales : Comment nos présidents ont failli face au terrorisme disorganized attachment The stress hormone cortisol released with such a La Grande-Bretagne de Margaret Thatcher, 1979-1990 disorganized internal state and repeated interpersonal experiences of rage and terror can lead to long lasting negative impacts on the brains Le Voyage d'Anton development as cortisol is toxic to the brain and inhibits healthy growth Harsh and severe punishment can actually lead to significant changes in the brain such as the LA REPUBLIQUE, SES VALEURS, SON ECOLE: CORPUS HISTORIQUE, PHILOSOPHIQUE ET JURIDIQUE (FOLIO ACTUEL) death of brain connections and even brain cellsAnother problem with spanking is that it teaches the child that the parent has no effective strategy short of inflicting bodily pain Thats a Aristocrates et grands bourgeois direct lesson every parent should consider uite Dictionnaire de la langue pédagogique (Dictionnaires Quadrige) (French Edition) deeply La Morale anarchiste do we want to teach our kids that the way to resolve a conflict is to inflict physical pain particularly on someone who is Le guide du zizi sexuel defenseless and cannot fight back Looking through the lens of the brain and body we know that humans are instinctually wired to avoid pain And it is also the same part of the brain that mediates physical pain that processes social rejection Inflicting physical pain is also creating social rejection in the childs brain Since children cant be perfect we see the importance of the findings indicating that while spanking often stops a behavior in a particular moment its not as effective at changing behavior in the long run Instead children will often just get better at concealing what theyve Le pouvoir ne se partage pas: Conversations avec François Mitterrand (Documents) (French Edition) done In other words the Dictionnaire de science économique - 6e éd. danger is that kids will Dictionary of Business and Economics Terms (Barron's Business Dictionaries) do whatever it takes to avoid the pain of physical punishment and social rejection which will often meanlying and hidingnot collaboratively communicating and being open to learningOne final point about spanking has to Parlez Globish ! : Don't speak English ... do with which part of the brain we want to appeal to and Lexique d'économie - 15e éd. develop with our Dictionnaire d'analyse économique discipline As well explain in the next chapter parents have the option of engaging the higher thinking part of the childs wise brain or the lowerreactive reptilian part If you threaten or physically attack a reptile what kind of a response Dictionnaire de sciences économiques et sociales do you think youll get Imagine a cornered cobra spitting at you There is nothing wise or connecting about being reactiveWhen we are threatened or physically attacked our reptilian or primitive brain takes over We move into an adaptive survival mode often called fight flight or freeze We can also faint a response that occurs in some when they feel totally helpless Likewise when we cause our kids to experience fear pain and anger we activate an increase in the flow of energy and information to the primitive reactive brain instead of Dictionnaire d'économie et de sciences sociales éd. 2013 directing the flow to the receptive thinkingsophisticated and potentially wise regions of the brain that allow kids to make healthy and flexible choices and handle their emotions wellDo you want to trigger reactivity in your childs primitive brain or engage her thinking rational brain in being receptive and openly engaged with the world When we activate the reactive states of the brain we miss the chance to L'encyclopédie des configurations graphiques develop the thinking part of the brain Its a lost opportunity Whats we have so many othereffective options for Dictionnaire d'économie et de sciences sociales disciplining our kidsstrategies that give children practice using their upstairs brain so that its stronger and further Dico SES - Dictionnaire d'économie et de sciences sociales developed meaning that theyre much better able to be responsible people who Lexique de sciences économiques et sociales do the right thingoften than not Muchabout that in Chapters With lucid engaging prose accompanied by cartoon illustrations Daniel J Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson help parents teach and communicateeffectively Publishers WeeklyA lot of fascinating insightsan eye opener worth reading ParentsInsightfulThe ideas presented in this latest book can actually be applied to all of our relationships as it will help us in many circumstances to be able to calm Super livre down have empathy for another person and then communicate in a constructive way about our concerns and proposed solutions What works to help children learn and behave better might also help our worlds leaders and large groups of people get along better as many of us adults failed to Dictionnaire commenté du coaching: Les 200 mots du coach : spécificités et pratiques develop these mindsight skills as we were growing up and we tend to sabotage our relationships with others as a result Whether you are a parent a teacher or just a person who wishes to learn to get along better with others you may find some valuable insights in No Drama Discipline ExaminerWow This book grabbed me from the very first page and Dictionnaire pratique de la métrologie: Mesure, essai et calculs d'incertitudes - Plus de 300 définitions avec leurs équivalents anglais - Les notions ... des définitions vers le guide pratique did not let go Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson explain extremely well why punishment is a Dictionnaire thématique : Histoire - Géographie dead end strategy Then they Dictionnaire Economique De L'entrepreneur (Economies) (French Edition) describe what to Dictionnaire de l'économie - Nouvelle édition do instead By making the latest breakthroughs in brain science accessible to any parent they show why empathy and connection are the royal road to cooperation Dictionnaire de science économique - 5e éd. discipline and family harmonyLawrence J Cohen PhD author of The Opposite of WorryUsing simple and clear explanations practical advice and cartoons that make the how to guidance come alive this book is a rich resource for families trying to navigate meltdowns and misunderstandings It explains how neurobiology IB Economics Course Book: 2nd Edition: Oxford IB Diploma Program (International Baccalaureate) drives childrens infuriating and puzzling behavior and will help parents make their way through the trenches of a typical Dictionnaire d'économie et de sciences sociales day with grace mutual respect and a good helping of IB Economics 2nd Edition: Study Guide: Oxford IB Diploma Program (International Baccalaureate) delightWendy Mogel PhD author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee What a relief Siegel and Bryson take the Dictionnaire de l'anglais économique et juridique et du commerce international difficulty out of L'économie discipline for parents or anyone who has to help kids behave No Drama Discipline offers a research based commonsense approach that any grown up will be happy to use and any kid will benefit fromDaniel Goleman author of Emotional Intelligence Frustrated parents often ask me why the Dictionnaire espagnol économique, commercial et financier disciplinary techniues they are using with their children arent working or are even making things worse I have not always known what to say because I was not always sure I understood what was going wrong Now I know No Drama Discipline unlocks the secrets of Dictionnaire de Sciences économiques et sociales discipline what works and what Dictionnaire des sciences économiques doesnt and whyand what to Dictionnaire de l'espagnol économique do when you are pulling your hair out Simply put Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Brysons insights and techniues will make you a better parent I know I will be using the concepts from this extraordinarily helpful book for years to comeMichael Thompson PhD co author of Raising Cain.